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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE OPENS PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
BRIGGS: IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT
WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR.
YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
MISS NOT ANYMORE.
AW, COME ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

TWO MAIN HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR?
KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS!
WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU
CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

SCENE THREE APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY SCULPTURE. SMILE!
POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE
SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
CARLY: I ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE)
FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: YA THINK?
I DONT KNOW!
SAM: YOU KNOW?
I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 ROOM
SCENE OPENS KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP?
SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: DOIN?
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
CARLY: SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
SURE IS!
SAM: WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY:
YEAH?
CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.